Breeched Wales Bloviating in the Hot Sun

Location: Long Island, New York, United States

Friday, December 24, 2004

Kentucky Fried Creature

If there ever was what one could call an independent fast food connoisseur it would have to be me. I frequently have to defend fast food chains against malicious francophile prejudice. After all I am not expecting hollandaise sauce and fresh vegetables when I am paying five bucks for my meal.

I am also heard cursing those damn vegan vegetarians for ruining the fries at McDonalds during the great lard-vegetable oil wars of twenty years back. However, french fries with beef flavoring and deep fried in animal fat was one of the crowning achievements of mankind.

Few people except me have Morgan Spurlock on their enemies list. I know from personal experience that "Supersize Me" the movie ranked with Farenheit 9/11 as one of the years most deceptive films. Most people would say "Of course, if you eat nothing but McDonalds for a whole month you are going to get fat and have health problems." My claims go further than that. It's just bunk to blame it on the food.

I worked at McDonalds when I was around sixteen and ate an average of two meals a day there. I sort of remember that there was some sort of discount for employees, perhaps one meal was free. In any case I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner there for a good five or six days out of the week each summer and weekends in the winter. I experienced no health problems.

Then again I wasn't overeating the stuff on purpose and refraining from exercise. I used to ride my bike three miles one way to work then back and didn't stuff myself till I bloated. That's the problem with Spurlocks experiment. He modified too many variables at once to be able to pin the blame specifically on McDonalds.

I admire consistency even in mediocrity. This way I know what I am getting. I expect the tomato on my fast food burger to be sort of pink and tasteless. I throw it out anyway as I am not looking for health food when I pull up to the drive in window.

At each fast food place I have my favorites and know what to stay away from. McDonalds Chicken McNuggets are to be avoided like the plague. I think everything but the bones goes into them. If you must have nuggets then go to Wendy's, of course it's preferable to be eating the Chicken Club with Cheese if you're there. Disappointingly enough, it is no longer on the combo meals menu but they will serve it to you if you ask for it.

I tend to like most things at McDs. The fries, hamburger, Big Mac, Filet O' Fish, and Apple Pie all tend to be consistently edible. However there is one and only one reason I go to KFC. The reason isn't their, what tastes like, instant potatoes. Nor do I go there for the mealy macaroni and cheese. Have you guessed yet, it's the chicken.

So when I order a four piece original recipe chicken I do not expect my drumstick to look like this right out of the box.

Yep, that's how it came out of the box. Click on the picture and see how well my Sony DSC-F828 does on a macro shot. How exactly did my feathered friend end up in that condition? Did the chicken have to cross a piranha infested river in order to get to the frialator. Even supposing that the chicken came from the Amazon and not Arkansas, why exactly did the kid at the drive-through think I would want to eat it. These places budget for spoilage and he should have just tossed the wretched thing. It isn't worth my effort to go back and complain once I get home.

Perhaps this is perfectly acceptable food in his country. I did have trouble with his accent. I though he told me it was $20.93 and when it was $30.93 and had to ask him why the ten was missing from my change. As I was saying my standards for fast food are not too high and I am a fan, but you can't always get the right help. I suggest KFC to better train the non-indigenous help lest I start calling them Kentucky Fried Creature.

At least my dog was happy. She'll eat anything.